A two-year-old throws herself on the floor because she cannot have a biscuit before dinner. A four-year-old hits his cousin over a toy. A six-year-old screams "I hate you" because screen time is over. These moments test every parent.
In many Indian families, the response has traditionally been a slap, a threat, or shaming. A WHO-commissioned research review (2021) found that corporal punishment is associated with increased aggression, antisocial behaviour, poorer mental health, and damaged parent-child relationships. It does not teach children what to do—it only teaches them to fear punishment.
This article explains what is behind tantrums and how to set clear boundaries without hitting, shaming, or losing control.
Why do children have tantrums?
Tantrums are developmentally normal between ages 1 and 4. They are not a sign of bad parenting or a "spoilt" child. They happen because:
- The prefrontal cortex is immature. The part of the brain responsible for impulse control, planning, and emotional regulation does not fully mature until the mid-20s. In a toddler, it is barely functional.
- Language is limited. A 2-year-old feels frustration, hunger, tiredness, and overwhelm but cannot express these feelings in words.
- They are learning autonomy. Saying "no" and testing limits is how children learn where the boundaries are.
- Physical triggers matter. Hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, illness, and transitions (leaving the park, stopping play) are the most common triggers.
What the evidence says about punishment
The WHO's 2021 review of global evidence on corporal punishment found:
- Spanking and slapping are associated with more behaviour problems, not fewer.
- Children who are hit are more likely to hit other children.
- Physical punishment does not improve compliance in the long term.
- It damages the trust between parent and child.
This does not mean children should have no boundaries. It means the boundaries should be enforced through calm, consistent, respectful methods—not through pain or fear.
Positive discipline: what actually works
1. Name the feeling
"You're angry because you want the toy. I understand." Naming the emotion helps the child begin to recognise and eventually regulate it. It also shows them you are listening.
2. Set the boundary clearly
"I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts." State the rule once, calmly. Do not negotiate during a tantrum. The discussion can happen after the child is calm.
3. Offer a choice
"You can play with the blue car or the red car." Choices give a sense of control within safe limits. Avoid open-ended questions like "What do you want?" during a meltdown.
4. Use consequences, not punishment
A consequence is related to the action: "If you throw the food, the meal is over." Punishment is unrelated: "If you throw the food, no TV tomorrow." Children under 6 have difficulty connecting unrelated consequences to their actions.
5. Stay calm yourself
This is the hardest part. When a parent yells, the child's stress response escalates. When a parent is calm, the child's nervous system begins to settle. If you feel your own anger rising, it is acceptable to say, "I need a minute," and step away briefly (if the child is safe).
6. Reconnect after the storm
After the tantrum passes, hold the child, say "I love you," and briefly revisit what happened: "You were sad because we had to leave. Next time, I'll tell you five minutes before." This teaches repair—one of the most important social skills.
Dealing with hitting and biting
When a child hits or bites, respond immediately but without anger:
- Stop the action physically: hold their hand gently. "I won't let you hit."
- Move the child away from the situation.
- Name the feeling: "You're frustrated. But hitting is not okay."
- Offer an alternative: "You can stomp your feet or squeeze this cushion."
- Comfort the other child if there is one.
Hitting back "so they know how it feels" does not teach empathy. It teaches that bigger people are allowed to hit.
What about grandparents and joint families?
In Indian joint families, different generations often have different views on discipline. This can be addressed respectfully:
- Share this kind of information as a discussion, not a correction.
- Acknowledge that they raised their children with love in a different era.
- Ask for their support in being consistent: "We're trying not to hit. Can you help us by doing the same?"
- If they overrule you in front of the child, discuss it privately later.
When tantrums may need professional assessment
- Tantrums continue frequently beyond age 5.
- The child injures themselves or others during tantrums.
- Tantrums last 25 minutes or longer regularly.
- The child cannot recover and seems distressed for hours.
- There is a significant change in behaviour after a life event (new school, separation, loss).
In these cases, a paediatrician or child psychologist can help rule out underlying causes and support the family.
Sources
- WHO. Corporal punishment and health. Evidence review commissioned by the World Health Organization; 2021.
- Gershoff, E.T., Grogan-Kaylor, A. "Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses." Journal of Family Psychology, 2016.
- UNICEF. A familiar face: Violence in the lives of children and adolescents. 2017.